What is an enabler
Rescue reflex
Boundaries
Communicating Boundaries
Enforcing Boundaries
So let’s go over this again
- Ask yourself “what I am OK with and what am I not OK with?”
- Considering the past and how you may have felt when faced with similar circumstances. If you acted in a way you hope to change in the future maybe this is an opportunity to say “no” or even “yes”.
- If you are struggling with the first two steps go back to the drawing board and phone a friend. We may need to turn to the people we trust and those who know us best in order to gain more insight into how we want to move forward.
- Know that in most cases you do not have to decide in the moment if you are unable. If you are in a life or death situation act and sort things out later but remember to consider is this a life-or-death situation or have I been told that it is and it activated my worry? You can always decide to think things over before acting.
We may perceive trouble that way because it is an established pattern. We may think the worse out of habit rather than perceiving what is actually going on. Does someone ignore your boundaries by acting in a way that requires you to act on your rescue reflex? Do you resent being given that role? Do you want that to change? Consider the steps above if you feel that you have faced, will continue to face, or are facing a situation where you violate your boundaries.
Enablers, should you consider yourself one, you likely come from a very good place. After all we tend to feel strongly about others’ that we care about most. The trouble is that they often feel conflicted after they enable. What this the right thing to do? Did I regret it? This feeling of “shoulda-woulda-coulda” is often us reflecting on things that we hoped could have gone otherwise. We can use that information to work on making a better outcome in the future.
When we think of how we help our loved ones in the moment to alleviate their fear, anxiety, shame, or pain; pause and consider if this is what you are doing. Often when a helper helps they can remove an obstacle as well as an opportunity for someone to have their own success with problem solving. Enabling others causes us to take an active role in helping other’s stay stuck. When we consider this it is opposite of what we hope to do; but it happens often. Have faith and confidence in others. Allow them their own successes, or even a greater teacher, and failure. If they trust it they may come back and ask for our thoughts.